You heard the question but did not say yes: give the request a clear status
By Erik Nilsen · Kroni2 min read
Your child asks whether they can invite a friend after school tomorrow. You look up from a message and say “mm-hm”. To you, that means you heard the question. To your child, it means yes. The next day, the friend has received an invitation. Arguing about who should have interpreted the sound correctly will not settle the arrangement.
Correct the misunderstanding before deciding
Say: “I heard you, but did not give a clear answer. My ‘mm-hm’ was unclear.” Then give the request an actual reply. Avoid treating the ambiguity as an automatic no or accusing your child of obtaining permission by stealth.
Find out what has been passed on and whether anyone is planning around the invitation. An adult follows up with the other family if the visit must change. Your child should not resolve alone a reply you gave unclearly.
Use three different sentences
You could try a small vocabulary for visits and other arrangements:
| Status | Example |
|---|---|
| Heard, not decided | “I have heard the request. I need to check tomorrow.” |
| Confirmed | “Yes, your friend can come from three until five.” |
| Declined | “No, we cannot host tomorrow.” |
A confirmed reply should include the parts actually agreed. Saying yes to a visit need not mean yes to staying overnight or bringing several friends.
If you cannot answer now
Give a time for your answer and record the request in a way that suits you. “I will answer after dinner” can be followed up. “We will see” says little about how long your child will wait.
Your child can ask: “Was that a yes, or do you need to check?” That provides an opportunity to clarify, rather than making them responsible for detecting every unclear adult message. Make your own answer explicit even if your child does not ask the checking question.
In the example, a visit from three until five works after the adult checks. The adult confirms the time using the information agreed with the friend’s adults. Next time, the aim is not a lengthy approval process for small questions. It is to distinguish hearing something from the family actually having an arrangement.
